vulnerably confident
"Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."
- Brené Brown
It feels weird to sit down and write about confidence, if I'm being honest, because I am so not a confident person. You know how when you want to learn something you go to an expert? This naturally gifted person who just effortlessly has a handle on the topic?
Yeah - that's not what's happening here.
I've struggled with confidence my entire life. From being picked on in middle school, to heart broken in high school, to not performing as well as I should have in college. I've run the gamut of reasons to be insecure.
This past year specifically, I've been struggling with a specific topic - walking the line between confidence and pride. Where does humility end and self deprecation begin?
I've been getting it wrong for a long time - thinking that hiding in the shadows and refusing to admit that I do anything well is humble. As I drove from Kansas to Michigan last week (an 11 hour drive, by myself) I was listening to the Daring Greatly audio book (y'all know I love my girl Brené) and it all just kind of clicked.
And I want to talk to about it.
The way I see it, the pain in our lives affects us in 3 ways.
1. The "confident" person.
What do you think of when you hear that someone is "confident"? I typed "confident" into a stock image search and here's what came up.
Athletes and business professionals. I feel like that's pretty typical. That's what I picture. But I don't feel that like that's accurate.
There are people in this world that appear so confident. They have it all figured out. They are never unsure or unsteady or uncouth. The pain that these people have experienced in their lives has turned into a barrier around them where only the most carefully refined and curated version of themselves is allowed to pass through. This protects them from future pain - or at least that's the goal. The problem with this idea, though, is that the barrier keeps others from knowing the real person underneath. Because their flaws and imperfections are tucked away and hidden they are unrelatable and difficult to connect with. That's not to say it's impossible, but it's definitely a challenge.
The "confidence" expressed by these people is a facade. It's a wall. It's a defensive maneuver to protect themselves from pain.
It's not how we're called to live.
2. The insecure, hidden person.
Then there are those that put their self-doubts at the forefront. They're the first to tell you how they bungled their work presentation or embarrassed themselves in a crowded elevator. If you ask them about their weaknesses they'll come up with a list to rival Santa but if you ask about their strengths they'll stare at you blankly.
You might wonder how this would protect anyone from pain. Well, when you never admit to doing something well then you will never feel the pain of someone disagreeing on your performance. If you hold your successes close to your heart then no one can take them away from you. The tricky thing is that this personality can seem quite modest and humble.
It can seem like the "right" thing to do is to sit shyly in the corner and wait to be recognized for your strengths, instead of recognizing them yourself. You will certainly never be accused of pride this way. However, you are robbing yourself of so much joy.
When you hide your successes and strengths from the world you are assuming you know how it will respond and robbing it of the opportunity to surprise you.
When you depend on others to recognize your strengths in order to use them you are wasting precious moments where your strengths are desperately needed.
This is not how we are called to live.
3. The vulnerably confident person.
Vulnerably confident. It feels weird to say - oxymoronic almost. But I believe this is confidence in its truest form.
A vulnerably confident person is open about their failures and their successes. They don't hide behind walls. They aren't afraid of the pain the world will bring them - yet they don't cut themselves off from the world and not let it effect them.
Trying to conceptualize a vulnerably confident person, I imagine children (probably because they haven't experienced enough pain to make them jaded and self-protective yet). I think the most vulnerably confident person is a kid who dressed themselves.
They just wear what they want to wear. They don't try to wear what others will approve of. They don't try to blend in or hide what makes them them. And then they go out into the world (mom and dad willing) and engage it. They (unknowingly) open themselves up to the push back they could receive. I don't feel like adults do this enough - not just with clothes but with every area of life.
Being confident - truly confident - is an exercise in vulnerability. It's sharing all of yourself with the world and not taking steps to shelter yourself from the pain that the world will bring.
But - why? Why embrace pain? Why put your guard down?
That's a great question. One I just recently asked myself.
As most of you reading this probably know (hi mom) I have been applying to PhD programs. It's a grueling process. I've spent the last year researching programs and faculty, trying to decide which ones to apply to. I applied to 8 schools, spent well over $1,000, and eventually received interview invitations to 3 programs.
After interviewing at my first two programs I felt pretty good. Confident even. Later that week I found out that I was wait listed. I read the email, laid on my bed, and cried. I know this probably sounds ridiculous. There are people who received flat out rejections, why am I crying about being wait listed? I know, I know. But it's what happened.
As I cried I told God how mad I was at him. It was the first time I've been well and truly mad at God. I yelled at God, telling him how it is already so hard for me to be confident - then when I actually felt confident I got hurt. I remember crying out, "Why ever be confident? What's the point? If you're never confident, then you'll never get hurt when you fail."
Since then I've prayed and reflected and looked to the word - and you know what I learned?
We are to be confident because Jesus was. We are not to shy away from pain because Jesus didn't.
Do you need an example of Jesus's confidence? Read Matthew 21:12-13.
Do you need an example of Jesus not being afraid of pain? read Matthew 27:34.
These are only 2. You see Jesus's confidence all through the scriptures.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
-James 1:2-4
We cannot escape the pain that we will experience on this earth. But when we engage it, we can allow it to shape us and refine us into more than we ever thought we could be. Engaging pain takes confidence, true confidence, because we know that no matter how much we hurt we will be okay. Because no matter what, we are chosen by God.
I'll see you soon.
- Megan